Tips on how to identify a scam call

I recently received a scam call, and I have to say I went along with it longer than I should have.  In my defense, this scam call involved two purported sheriff’s officers and took a while to get going, but as soon as they started demanding money I knew it was a scam.  Also, I definitely had my radar up the whole time and as a result I can clearly remember most of the telltale signs that this was a scam. 

I feel that it is now my civic duty to walk you through this phone call, telltale sign by telltale sign, so you can have them all in mind if you ever suspect you’re being scammed:

1.  The scammers did not call me directly at first.  No, instead they scammed my ex-wife!  As I tried hard to explain to her later, they must’ve looked me up on some peoplesearch site and figured out there was some connection between us.  Then they left a voicemail message on her phone “trying to locate Mr. Zee.”

2.  “If you know of his whereabouts please have him call Sgt. Shithead at [##].”  Think about that for a minute.  The Leon County sheriff’s department doesn’t have my phone number and doesn’t know my whereabouts ??

As you can imagine, my ex-wife was very upset when she called me to forward the voice message to me.  It didn’t seem right, but when your ex-wife is that upset you can’t just tell her later on, “Oh no, I didn’t call them back …” and you can’t lie about it either because she’s likely to have some questions about how the call went and it would be nice to have some legit answers, right?

3.  No Caller ID.  You should know right there, right?  But they were a little clever – the phone number they asked me to call was a legit number, but I could only leave a message there.  When they called me back that was No Caller ID and I made a mental note of it.

4.  He seemed pretty unfamiliar with my registry sheet. I had to correct him several times.

5.  He referred to my address as my “primary address.”  That’s a red flag because in Florida’s registry it’s called a “permanent address.”

6.  He didn’t know what a “snowbird” is.  Wait a minute – this guy is supposedly calling from Florida, the snowbird capitol of the world, yet he don’t even know what that word means …?

This was a DNA and fingerprint scam, with a dash of COVID-19.  The premise is that the Florida Department of Corrections is updating all of the DNA and fingerprint evidence for every sex offender in the state.  The updates were to have been done within the first 90 days of 2025 but apparently I and quite a few others didn’t get notified.  We all have to get our asses down there right away to avoid getting arrested.  But if we do, all is forgiven. 

I am currently at my summer home in Iowa (as I said, he didn’t know what a snowbird is).  So what I have to do is arrange with the Johnson County IA sheriff’s department and provide this shit so they can send it down to Florida.

I will speak of the preposterousness of all this in a moment, but let’s start with this:

7.  All the time he’s feeding me this I’m thinking, “Wait.  I’m this big active member of the Florida Action Committee.  If this was really going on it would be all anybody would be talking about.  Instead I’ve never heard of this.” 

8.  I even said at one point, “Are you really telling me that Florida is doing this to all 86,000+ of its registrants?”  “Yes, we are.”  Knowing as I do that “only” about 32,000 of us are even in Florida, the rest are out of state or international, that’s gonna be a pretty tall order, especially when you don’t have any of their phone numbers.

9.  If anybody was actually doing this it wouldn’t be DOC, it would be FDLE.

10.  Apparently we were all supposed to have been notified by mail.  Imagine the bureaucratic nightmare and budget-busting cost of this.

11.  When he told me to go down to Johnson County I said, “Wait.  Johnson County already has my DNA and fingerprints on file.  Why can’t you just call them up and have them send it to you?”  “Oh no no this all has to be done over.”  I think this was when I said to him, “All this makes no sense – but then neither does anything else about the registry.”

But to be fair, nobody had said anything about money yet.  But soon it was time for Sgt. Shithead to put me on hold, presumably to call the Johnson County sheriff’s dept. and get someone on the line to arrange my indignities.  A couple of minutes later he comes back and says Lt. Penis will call in momentarily.  “Here he is now, just take that call and hang up on me.”  Duhhh … okay.

12.  Another No Caller ID.

That’s when things took a dark turn.  I said, “Okay Lt. Penis, I’m free tomorrow so why don’t we just set a time and get it over with?”

13.  “No no – there is a warrant out for your arrest …”  If there is one thing y’all have beat into this thick skull of mine it is that if there is a warrant for your arrest the cops will NEVER tell you about it.  They just come and snatch you like Death Eaters.

14.  “… and if you go to the sheriff’s department you WILL be arrested for a registry violation!  You have to pay the bond now before you go to give the DNA. The total bond is $50,000 and you ‘only’ have to pay 10% ($5000)!”

Okay that’s it.  “This is a scam !!  You are a scammer !!  Tomorrow morning I’m going down to the REAL Johnson County sheriff’s department and straighten this out and report you!”

“No you won’t! If you don’t do as I say right now I’ll have you arrested TODAY!”

I hung up.  He tried calling me back but I didn’t answer.  He left no message.

And I’m sitting here the next morning writing this up.

Where are the Death Eaters?

When you keep poking the bear you get Florida

Let me tell you an allegorical true story.  As people are tired of hearing me say by now, I am a retired city planner.  For over 30 years my specialty was writing zoning regulations for a rapidly growing Medium-sized City in Florida.  That’s why I can say I know something about lawmaking although I’m not an attorney.

In 1982 Medium City put me in charge of a multi-year total re-write of their zoning ordinance.  It had become hopelessly out of date since it was adopted in 1924, and they’d been tinkering with it to fix problems over the years and it had become a heavy tome that everyone hated.  My orders were: Simplify!  Simplify!

Unfortunately that project was when I came up one of my mantras that my fellow bureaucrats always hated to hear: “Every time you set out to simplify the zoning ordinance it ends up more complicated than ever.”  The new simplified ordinance was more than twice as long as the old one. 

That’s because every little provision of the code has a constituency – homeowners (i.e. voters) who hate it when their yuppie neighbors plant corn in their front yard, for example.  Over time new problems arose and our reaction as bureaucrats was to fix the problems without doing any violence to the underlying failed system that was so popular among our citizens (i.e. voters). 

Doing so wasn’t evil or purposeful – it was nothing more than human nature applied to a bureaucratic setting.  But the result is a big mess.

We who struggle against America’s registries are running into this same problem I experienced throughout my career.  Reform often makes things worse.

Last year when Florida conducted its annual sledgehammer campaign against its 86,000+ registrants they included a few crumbs.  Florida Action Committee (FAC) had recently won a court battle that centered on in-state travel and the definition of the word day.  Part of our argument, as in every other state, was that the law was confusing and vague. 

FDLE’s reaction was to propose “clarifications” that (at least in their minds) fixed the problems without doing any violence to the underlying failed system that is so popular among our voters.  I personally like the new definition of “Day,” but while they were at it they also “clarified” that oh yes they really like the idea that every single little registry paperwork error should be charged as a separate felony count punishable by up to five years imprisonment.  Yikes!

This year ACSOL has been trying hard to change California’s tiered registry to move CP cases from Tier 3 to, well, anywhere else.  This CP Tier 3 status was a poison pill left over from when they adopted their tiered registry a few years ago.  This time California’s reaction has been, okay, but only if we can force over 30,000 new people onto the state’s already 100,000+ registry.  Thanks for nothing!

Finally there is Michigan, where after a protracted legal battle the MI Supreme Court found the state’s registry unconstitutional.  Why was everybody surprised when the legislature just fixed the specific problems the Court had identified and re-adopted the same underlying failed system that is so popular among their voters?

This is not a fight against a specific law.  It’s a fight against human nature.  Reform often makes things worse.

   Oklahoma

From the 50 State Visitor Guide:

Oklahoma Statutes 2021; 21 Okl. Stat. §1125;57 Okl. Stat. §§581 through 590.2

AWA Compliant

Registration Triggers and Deadlines:

Three days for initial registration.  Three business days for address change and other.

Visitors NOTE: Oklahoma is a “dual registry state.” Per OK Notice of Duty.pdf: 

(1) ODOC registration required within 2 days of entry into Oklahoma if intending to remain in state for 5 consecutive days or longer (includes arrival day), employed more than 5 cumulative days in any 60 day period, and/or enrolled as a student.

(2) local law enforcement registration required within 3 days of entering jurisdiction with intent to reside for more than 7 consecutive days or 14 days in a 60-day period (includes arrival day), employed full or part-time, and/or enrolled as a full or part-time student. 

See sexoffenderregistration@DOC.OK.gov “Notice of Duty”

Shorter registration periods apply to out-of-state registrants with spouses residing in state.

Residency/Presence and Other Restrictions:

Residence restriction: 2,000 ft. from school, “educational institution,” campsite used for children, parks, and day care facilities.  §57-590.  Registrants are also banned from living in the same dwelling.  §57-590.1. 

Per OK Notice of Duty.pdf, residence restriction applies to persons “subject to registration due to an Oklahoma sentence or due to entry into Oklahoma,” 

implying that this restriction does not apply to visitors not yet required to register. See sexoffenderregistration@DOC.OK.gov “Notice of Duty”

Presence restriction: may not loiter w/in 500 ft. of school, child care center, playground, or park if convicted for offense involving a minor.  “Habitual or aggravated sex offenders” may not enter park.  §21-1125.  Certain exceptions exist to loitering restriction.

Duration & updates:

15 years to life. §57-583(C). Petition to remove – 10 years.

Most recent visit: May 2025

Before you visit Oklahoma please read the Visitors Note above.  Oklahoma is unique among all states in that it is a “dual registry state.”  And what exactly does that mean?  It means that if you enter Oklahoma you will be subject not just to the statewide registries that apply in all other states but also to a “local registry” in the city or county in which you find yourself.  Any failure to follow the many requirements of either of these two registries is a violation that could land you in prison.  Therefore you should be careful not to exceed the number of days that would trigger a requirement to register in either of these two registries.  

Per OK Notice of Duty.pdf:

(1) ODOC registration required within 2 days of entry into Oklahoma if intending to remain in the state for 5 consecutive days or longer (includes arrival day), employed more than 5 cumulative days in any 60 day period, and/or enrolled as a student.

(2) Local law enforcement registration required within 3 days of entering jurisdiction with intent to reside for more than 7 consecutive days or 14 days in a 60-day period (includes arrival day), employed full or part-time, and/or enrolled as a full or part-time student.

Therefore the two most important numbers to keep in mind are:  Five, which is the number of consecutive days (including partial days) in Oklahoma which would trigger an obligation to register with the state; and seven, which is the number of consecutive days (including partial days) in any locality which would trigger an obligation to register with that locality.  Note that the five day limit reads “five days or more” which means you can only really stay four days, whereas the local registry limit reads “more than 7 days,” for what it’s worth.

However, as horrible as those numbers are, Oklahoma’s statewide registry sets no limit on number of days per month or year, so in theory if you need more time there you could leave the state after four days, stay out for one day and two nights, then return and restart the clock – as long as you stay in a different locality the second time (unless you don’t intend to stay in that first locality more than 14 days in a 60-day period).  Confused yet?

In very early May 2025 I was on the return leg of my South Central US + Texas tour and entered Oklahoma near Wichita Falls (TX).  On a previous visit (see below) I had traveled mostly up the I-35 corridor and around parts the west half of the state, and like my previous visit I was planning to spend two partial days and one night, and it was mid-afternoon so I decided to follow rural highways like US 81, SR 29 and SR 76 before hopping onto I-35, zooming through OK City and setting myself up (at a motel) to see some of northeastern Oklahoma on my way to Missouri.

I was less cautious about what I did and where I went than I had been on my previous tour (see below), but I think that’s because I have generally become more comfortable with myself over the years.  Still I kept my guard and followed the rules.

One thing I could not do is go to any state or local park, because my offense was an internet offense involving minors.  But even if it wasn’t I still would not be allowed to “reside” within 2000 feet of any “campsite used for children” (whatever that means) or park.  As noted above, per the publication OK Notice of Duty.pdf, residence restrictions only apply to persons “subject to registration due to an Oklahoma sentence or due to entry into Oklahoma,” implying that this restriction does not apply to visitors not yet required to register. 

Small town notes – Day 1

Comanche – Another town named Comanche, another disappointment

Duncan – Much better.  Kids playing in a culvert after a Spring rain just like it was 1957.

Partial Day 2 began with a stop at the Jim Thorpe home in in Yale, OK.  He was a famous early 20th Century Native American athlete.  It’s very small and wasn’t open but appears to be well-maintained which is more than I can say for the town. 

Next stop – Pawnee Bill’s Ranch Historic Site and Museum in the eponymously named town.  Wow! – This time in a good way!  Plus it’s a private attraction so you can go to it!  Unfortunately it was so early in the season that the museum was closed on weekdays but I could still go see a big buffalo heard.

Buffalo herd at Pawnee Bill's Ranch

Then I came upon something I thought did not exist – an actual Indian reservation in Oklahoma, specifically the Osage Nation.  Naturally I wanted to see what that was like so I proceeded east on SR 20 and north on SR 99 to Pawhuska (see notes below).  Rand McNally promised points of interest but I either couldn’t find them or they were closed.  The agricultural economy seemed adequate but the towns were downscale.  And as elsewhere in Oklahoma, the “reservation” has been so polluted by european immigration that it’s hard to tell the difference between here and anywhere else.

Will Rogers home and Will Rogers Museum are two different things 15 miles apart.  The home is in Ooologah but it was closed “for maintenance.”  The museum is right on Will Rogers Turnpike (toll road).  Good museum but tends to rely on dioramas a lot.

According to my phone photos, before leaving Oklahoma late that afternoon I stopped at a rest area slash Native visitors center.  Then it was on to Missouri.

Small town notes – Day 2

Cushing, Hominy and Pawnee – Okay I guess.

Yale – see Jim Thorpe home above.

Pawhuska – The streetscape project is a good try but it takes more than a streetscape to save a downtown.  You have to get businesses willing to locate there.

Barnsdall and Afton – Nope.

Skiatook – Good.  Contrary to stereotype, the better part of this town is inside the reservation boundary, and things go downscale when you leave.

Previous visit: June 2023

In June 2023 I traveled through Oklahoma for my very first time, on the return leg of my trip to the NARSOL national conference in Houston, TX.  Entering from the south on I-35 I stopped at the Visitors Center to pick up brochures and maps.  I figured, as many of you might, that this must be a good state to do Reservation Tourism.  

I was surprised to learn that there are absolutely no reservations in Oklahoma – not one!  However, each tribe has a fairly meaningless “designated area” and many tribes own big tracts of land in their own names – and that of course has more meaning than anything else here in America.  There are also a lot of tribal visitor centers, cultural centers and museums to visit, so I made it a point to stop at those.  

My favorite art at the Southern Plains Indian Museum, called "Our Monsoon Dazzler"

One thing I could not do is go to any state or local park, because my offense was an internet offense involving minors.  But even if it wasn’t I still would not be allowed to “reside” within 2000 feet of any “campsite used for children” (whatever that means) or park.  Now, as noted above, per the publication OK Notice of Duty.pdf, residence restrictions only apply to persons “subject to registration due to an Oklahoma sentence or due to entry into Oklahoma,” implying that this restriction does not apply to visitors not yet required to register.  

I was feeling pretty cautious about testing any of these laws out, I was only planning to spend two (partial) days and one night in Oklahoma, and the temperature was over 100 degrees and thus completely unsuitable for camping, so I didn’t have to anyway.  Out of an abundance of caution I did not visit Turner Falls State Park, “home of Oklahoma’s largest waterfall.”

Stafford Air & Space Museum, Weatherford OK

Places I did visit included:  Chickasaw Nation Welcome Center, Anadarko National Hall of Fame for Famous American Indians, Southern Plains Indian Museum (very cool), Chisolm Trail Museum, and Cherokee Strip Museum.  I also visited the Stafford Air & Space Museum in Weatherford, OK, dedicated to local boy and Apollo moon-landing astronaut Tom Stafford, home to all his personal papers and space memorabilia as well as a whole lot of really neat air and space exhibits.

By the time I left the Cherokee Strip Museum it was late in the afternoon of (partial) Day 2.  I crossed over into Kansas, where it was still over 90 degrees and way too hot for camping.

  Texas

From the 50 State Visitor Guide:

Tex. Code Crim. Proc. 2020 §62.001 through 62.408

Registration Triggers and Deadlines:

Registration required for residence of “more than 7 days,” and must register by the 7th day.  Updates after 7 days.  §§62.051, 62.055.

Transient registrants must report every 30 days. §62.051.  Resident registrants making three or more visits of 48 consecutive hours duration to a TX municipality or county other than place of permanent registration must report to local law enforcement. §62.059.

Visitors must register by “the 7th day after the person’s arrival in the municipality or county.”  §62.051(a).  Per the Texas SOR office, this means a visiting registrant who never remains in any one locality more than six consecutive days isn’t required to register. This SOR office info confirmed April 2021.

Residency/Presence and Other Restrictions:

No state-wide restrictions, but local residence and presence restrictions, where applicable, do apply to not-yet-registered visiting offenders. For example, San Antonio has a presence restriction applying to parks.  This means you will not be able to set foot in the Riverwalk during your visit.

Duration & updates:

10 years to life. Annual updates.

Most recent visit: April 2025

There is a quirk in the way Texas (or at least the Texas state SOR office) interprets its law that registered travelers should be aware of.  Texas is one of quite a few states whose registry laws are written to say that visitors must register by “the [insert # of days here] day after the person’s arrival in the municipality or county.”  §62.051(a).  Quite a few states have this type of language because, as you can imagine, state legislators don’t invent their own statutes out of whole cloth when writing registry laws. No, they look at what some other states are doing and copy what they like best.

In reading this language you might feel justified in believing that what starts the clock ticking towards your obligation to register would be your arrival in a specific municipality or county, rather than the simple act of crossing the state line.  But NO.  Every state (other than Texas) that has this type of language interprets it to mean the clock starts ticking when you arrive in their state, and continues to tick for as long as you are in the state no matter what municipality or county you happen to be in.  That’s why, for every other state, my advice to you is to assume that the number of days stated in the statute applies statewide.

However, I have called the Texas SOR office to ask this specific question twice, nine months apart, and spoken to two different people (I know they were different people because one was a man and the other was a woman) who both gave me the same answer:  Texas interprets its statutory language exactly as written. The clock starts when you arrive in any given county or municipality. Partial days count.  If you move on to some other county or municipality before your six days are up (because as I always say, you should avoid using that last day), the clock starts again.

Texas has no statewide presence or residency restrictions, but like so many other states it has local residence and presence restrictions, and where applicable they do apply to not-yet-registered visiting offenders. At the 2023 NARSOL Conference (in Houston) one conference participant pointed out that San Antonio has a presence restriction applying to parks.  This means if the conference had been in San Antonio none of us registrants would have able to set foot in the Riverwalk during our visit.

Oh well! You can't visit Riverwalk while you're in San Antonio.

Near the end of April 2025 I entered Texas from Louisiana where I’d just finished my Mardi Gras reconnaissance mission to New Orleans (see Louisiana blog post below).  I had two destinations – Houston, where I would spend a day with an old friend of mine (we first met in 6th grade) who now lives in its northwest suburbs; and Mineral Wells (west of Ft. Worth) to have lunch with my son (Note: He neither lives nor works in Mineral Wells, that’s where the restaurant was).

Houston, we have a problem

At my old friend’s suggestion I had made campsite reservations are a local county park and began my Houston time clock there.  I went out to dinner with my old friend but when I got back they kicked me out of the park – NOT because of a registry issue, they had a “no car-camping” rule and as always I had no tent.  I have only run into a rule like this once or twice in the past, and always at a local park, never at a state or national park.  Nevertheless I had to check in at a local Motel 6.

As a courtesy to my old friend I had turned Day 2 of my Houston clock over to him and said, “Show me something in Houston.”  But I knew in advance he’d squander that opportunity because he really hates Houston.  Instead (believe it or not!) he took me to Padre Island National Seashore which is way down past Corpus Christi, which meant we spent the entire day in the car driving back and forth and saw nothing (he is a terrible driver but I’m relieved to say I’m still alive). 

Padre Island National Seashore. I was there just long enough to take this photo. 

A whole lotta seaweed, eh?

My old friend had his chance and he wasted it.  Next time I will visit Houston the way I have started to visit other cities this year – reserve a (reliable) motel room in advance, arrive to spend an afternoon and evening seeing the real Houston, then go out to lunch with him as I’m leaving town.  I’ll invite him to tag along with me on that day before but there’s way he’ll go.

Comanche, TX – The town that made me go Hmmm

The following morning, Day 3, was the last (partial) day of my Houston clock.  Lunch with my son wasn’t until the following day so I decided to strike out across Central Texas for a day and get myself someplace close to Mineral Wells by that evening.  From Houston I followed US 190 northwest until it became SR 36 which is a country highway. Eventually that would take me to SR 16 north to Possum Kingdom State Park fairly close to Mineral Wells.

I’m going to say this and I don’t care you think – Central Texas is not an inspiring place.  Many of the ranches do not seem prosperous.  Instead I drove though mile after mile of rolling hills and overgrown prairie.  There are no points of interest here, neither on my Rand McNally map nor in reality.  I drove through the downscale towns of Gatesville and Hamilton.

And then I came to Comanche, TX, at the junction of SR 36 & 16, where I needed to gas up and get supplies.  I actually had some trouble finding these basic things there which caused me to drive around this little town for a while in search of my needs.

Wow! – and not in a good way.  Still, as a retired city planner I couldn’t help being impressed by this example of how a failing agricultural economy can kill a small town.  As I have said before about Indian reservations, where the agricultural economy is good the towns will usually prosper too.  Otherwise they’re in trouble.

Comanche, TX's empty downtown. Why do they even bother with a traffic signal?

For some reason I took a photo of Comanche’s stark and lifeless downtown before heading north on SR 16, all the while pondering what I had seen.  I forgot all about this photo until I was downloading the rest of them for this blog entry.  De Leon was the first time I said to myself, hey, I wonder how bad off this town is? (BTW I took no notes and can’t remember so there’s no judgement here) and took a little spin around town that has become my new small town calling card (see my “Big Cities and Small Towns” blog entry below).

I will say this – the further north I went the better things got and by the time I crossed I-10 it was much better.  Yes I mean you, Breckenridge and Mineral Wells (there’s an actual mineral spring with a big health spa there but I didn’t go).

According to the information from the TX SOR office, my Houston clock had stopped at three days (including partials) and my Stephens County clock now started.  However, when I woke up the next morning from my restful night’s sleep I was starting (partial) Day 5 since entering the state, and the question still arises whether you or I should believe anything two random people at the Texas state SOR office told me.  Do you or I really want to be the first registrant to test these statements and risk getting a much different interpretation from the next Stephens County sheriff’s deputy that pulls you over for having a blown taillight?

My answer to that question is definitely not.  That’s why, after having lunch with my son I wandered northwest toward Wichita Falls before leaving Texas that day.  They say there’s an actual falls there but I didn’t see it – the observation point was flooded due to heavy rains!  Then I headed northeast on SR 79, jumping from the frying pan of Texas into the fire of Oklahoma before the afternoon was over.

An Eclipse Epic Fail: April 2024

One thing I and my old friend agreed upon was that we should go together to see the solar eclipse in April 2024.  I let my old friend take charge of finding a hotel room for the night before and the viewing site itself – which turned out to be Uvalde, TX.

On this trip I flew from Orlando to Houston, and while in Texas my friend did all the driving (see comments about his driving above).  NO, I was not required to give my sheriff’s department in Florida any flight info at all.  That only applies to international travel.  Also NO, I was not required to give them any information about my friend’s name or his car.  It’s out of state so it’s none of their business. 

However, YES I had to register my friend’s Texas address as a “temporary address” and destination.  Some registrants I speak to are concerned about the consequences of registering this information.  In the case of Florida’s registry, his address temporarily appeared on the FL SOR public website on my day of arrival, and then magically disappeared when I left.  The good news is my old friend didn’t freak out about that.

The bad news was that on eclipse day it was cloudy and threatening rain all over Texas! Where we were in downtown Uvalde the sun peaked out momentarily just about 30 seconds before totality.  It was impressive but not total, and then it was gone and a few seconds later it got dark but we couldn’t see anything.  Uggh!

 Louisiana

From the 50 State Visitor Guide

La. Rev. Stat. 2023 §§ 15:541, 15:542, et seq., 15:543, et seq., and 15:544.

La. R.S. §§14:91.2, 14:91.5, 14:91.9, 14:313, 14:313.1, 15:551, and 15:553

La. R.S. §§40:1321(J) and 32:412(I)

AWA Compliant

Registration Triggers and Deadlines:

3 business days for Initial reg. and updates. La. R.S. §15-542.  New residents to the state have 3 business days to register and to provide information to police and the community as required by §§15:542.1.3 and 15:542.1.  Residence defined as: “a dwelling where an offender regularly resides, regardless of the number of days or nights spent there.” Added Aug. 2024.

Resident registrants planning to acquire “temporary lodging” for 7 consecutive days or more must register within 3 business days before establishing temporary lodging. §542.1.2(F)(1).  Employees and students must register within 3 business days of beginning.  §542.1.3(C), (D). 

Visitors: Per Louisiana SOR office, visitors must register if in state 7 consecutive days (no limit per year).

Residency/Presence and Other Restrictions:

Residence and presence restrictions apply to registrants convicted of offenses involving victims under the age of 13, including parks and libraries, youth centers, public pools, video arcades, etc. with few exceptions.  §14:91.2

Use of “social networking websites” by registrants with computer-related crimes or where victim was a minor, is prohibited. §14:91.5.  Registrants must obtain and possess “special identification cards” from the DPSC, and branded drivers licenses.  §§40:1321(J), 32:412(I).

Registrants may not wear “masks or hoods” or disguise their identity in public during holidays (including Mardi Gras). §14:313 Candy or other gifts may not be given by offenders to persons under 18 on holidays, with exceptions. 14:313.1  Certain occupations prohibited to SO’s. 15:553.  Updated Aug. 2024

NOTE: Per Louisiana SOR office, these restrictions DO apply to not-yet-registered visitors.

Duration & updates:

15 years to life based on tier. §15:544.  Updates based on tiers:  TI – annual, TII – 6 mo., TIII – 3 mo. §15:52.1.1

Most recent visit: April 2025

This is the first time I am posting about Louisiana.  I have been to New Orleans several times but that was before I ruined my life, and it was usually on business.  I have driven through Louisiana without stopping many more times but that’s because I and my ex live in Florida and our son lives in Texas, and we have to go through Louisiana to visit him.

If you scan back through Louisiana’s ridiculous registry restrictions set forth above you’ll see the two most problematic items are: (a) if your victim was under 13 (and why do I have to keep reminding people that includes CP images?) you can’t go to any of the usual suspect locations but in particular the parks where many of the events you may be interested in are taking place, and (b) you can’t wear masks or disguise your identity in public and you can’t give candy or trinkets to anyone under the age of 18.

It’s pretty obvious where this stuff is coming from – the good citizens of Louisiana are terrified that an army of criminal perverts is invading to take over Mardi Gras.  But wait – aren’t perversions what Mardi Gras is all about …?  Anyway, just be on your toes and mindful of these rules.

Since I began travelling I’ve wanted to visit Louisiana, and of course the time you’re supposed to do that is Mardi Gras.  However … it so happens that Mardi Gras usually occurs very close to March 3, the anniversary of the Supreme Court’s infamous (to us PFR’s) Smith vs. Doe decision that legitimized America’s disgusting registry system.  Since 2023 ACSOL and NARSOL have cooperated to hold DC conferences and vigils on the Supreme Court steps to mark this anniversary.  Every registered person and their loved ones need to be in DC every year to participate – we will never get anywhere with public opinion until we can have 10,000 PFR’s vigilling at the Supreme Court and get some actual press coverage.  Even that would be just 1% of everyone on America’s registries today.

New Orleans

That makes it kind of hard to go to Mardi Gras.  However … it recently occurred to me that if I was a business owner in the French Quarter I’d definitely want to turn Mardi Gras into a season, so I’d have more time to sell beads and trinkets and alcohol.  So in April 2025 as part of my South Central US tour I made an “off-season” exploratory trip to New Orleans to see how it all works. 

I made an advance motel reservation, arrived mid-afternoon and wandered around the French Quarter until the evening to see what it was like on an off-season Saturday night.  Then the next morning I stopped at the new New Orleans Welcome Center to ask them whether Mardi Gras is a season (the Welcome Center has moved – my gps took me to the wrong place).

Small brass band, off-season Saturday afternoon

The answer to that is Yes, of course it’s a season, but not as long as I had supposed – only about a week and a half.  Evenings start cranking up on that weekend before the weekend before, with at least one parade every day usually late afternoon.  From that point the excitement builds day by day until you get to actual Mardi Gras Day, when the partying and parades start around 9 am and go until they scrape the last drunk off the sidewalk Ash Wednesday morning.  There are no special events like scheduled jazz performances on a stage like you might see on Beale Street in Memphis, for example (I asked).  It’s all Mardi Gras all the time.

Street performers, off-season Saturday afternoon

One positive about this arrangement is that you as a visitor get to choose your desired intensity level.  I’m an old geezer and a real stick in the mud too because I don’t drink or gamble.  But even I can go stick my toe into it let’s say about a week before, have as much fun as I can stand and say I did it.

When I do go for my Mardi Gras road trip I think I’ll add a day of other New Orleans site seeing a couple of days exploring Cajun country.  Those should come before the day I do Mardi Gras so I can run from there to DC in plenty of time for the Vigil.  That would be about four days in Louisiana all together, well within the 6 available consecutive days we’re allowed (no limit per calendar year).

 Missouri - updated

Meramec Caverns

From the 50 State Visitor Guide :

R.S. Mo. 2019.  R.S. Mo. §43.650.  R.S. Mo. §566.147 through 566.150.  R.S. Mo. §§589.400 through 589.426.  AWA Compliant .

Registration Triggers and Deadlines:

3 days for initial registration and updates. 

"Residence" is defined as “any place where an offender sleeps for seven or more consecutive or nonconsecutive days or nights within a twelve-month period” §589.404(5). 

Visitors: “Any registered offender from another state who has a temporary residence in this state and resides more than seven days in a twelve-month period shall register for the duration of such person's temporary residency” §589.400.11. However, “temporary residence” is not defined. 

Residency/Presence and Other Restrictions:

Residence restriction:  offenders may not reside w/in 1,000 ft. of school or child care center.  §566.147.

Presence restriction: offenders cannot be present w/in 500 ft. of school, day care center, park with playground equipment, childrens athletic facility, pool, or Missouri department of conservation nature or education center.  §§566.147-566.150. Updated Aug. 2022.

Missouri applies Halloween restrictions to all registrants, including sign posting mandate. §589.426.  However, as of Oct. 2023 this requirement is under a restraining order pending a lawsuit brought by ACSOL.

Duration & updates:

15 years to life. Updates: Tier III – 90 days. Tier I & II – every 6 mo. §589.400

 

Most recent visit: April & May 2025

Missouri is a beautiful state, but you’ll have to be pretty darned careful if you travel there.  Visitors must register if in the state for more than 7 days in a 12-month period. §589.400.11.  That makes this state precisely twice as restrictive as Indiana, which allows visitors 7 days in any six month period.  However Missouri defines “residence” as a place where you sleep.  So presumably, like Illinois, if you can drive through without ever stopping to sleep that partial day won’t count against your annual total – but if you do stop to sleep the partial days on both sides of that restful night will count and you will have chewed up two of your annual 7 day total.

Worse, Missouri imposes several onerous restrictions that you should assume will apply to you as a visitor:

•         Offenders may not reside w/in 1,000 ft. of a school or child care center.  §566.147.  Since I am from Florida, where similar restrictions apply, I can tell you 1000 feet can be a pretty hard standard to meet.  Be careful in selecting your motel room.

•         Missouri used to apply Halloween restrictions to all registrants, including a sign posting mandate. §589.426.  However, recently ACSOL took the state to court and there’s now a restraining order in place against the state.  So for now you can be there on Halloween.

•         Offenders cannot be present within 500 ft. of school, day care center, park with playground equipment (which is most of them), or swimming pool. §§566.147-150.  Recently they added childrens athletic facilities and Missouri Department of Conservation nature or education centers (whatever they are) to that list.  You may want to think twice, for example, about a motel with a pool.  You may say, oh please! It’s just one night and who’s going to check?  But my job here is to warn you about any potential problems you may face while traveling.

Missouri’s restriction against being present at or within 500 feet of a “park with playground equipment” is especially problematic for vacationers.  If you think about that wording – it could be a 1000 acre state park and yet if it had just one playground anywhere, you can’t go anywhere in that park.  It makes no sense, but it means most state or local parks are OUT.  For all these reasons I have to give Missouri a travel rating of 4 thumb screws.

However, when it comes to national parks you’re okay because like most states, Missouri considers national parks to be “out of their jurisdiction.” Unfortunately Missouri has few national “parks.”  Yes, St. Louis’s Gateway Arch is definitely a park and has no playground.  What about Ozark National Scenic Riverway?  It’s administered by the National Parks Service so you’re good there too.  Mark Twain National Forest, which is extensive but includes few Ozark attractions, is definitely not a park.  And speaking of Mark Twain, his Boyhood Home & Museum in Hannibal is a privately owned attraction, not a park.

Now that I have a summer home in Iowa and a winter home in Florida I travel back and forth several times per year, and one of the best routes for this long two day trip is south through Missouri.  However the half-way point for this route is not in Missouri but rather at either Memphis (if I continue south on I-55 from St. Louis) or south of Nashville (if I turn east from St. Louis).  Therefore I have been safely passing though without sleeping, hoarding my 7 days per 12 months for when I wanted to spend more time in this beautiful state.

For the vacation traveler you should know that most of Missouri’s travel points of interest including its many caves are in the Ozarks, in the southern half of the state, whereas the northern half is mostly wide open prairie.  There are a lot of state parks up there and I’m sure they’re lovely but remember, you can’t visit any of them and I can’t camp there.

However, there is Mark Train’s Boyhood Home in Hannibal.  In May 2023, that was my first stop after entering the state from Iowa on U.S. 61.  It’s an interesting attraction and includes many restored original buildings occupied and owned by the childhood friends and neighbors who inspired Twain’s most famous characters.  There are also two caves that Twain explored as a boy – he even graffitied his name in one of them.

Mark Twain House, Hannibal

In the northwest part of Missouri there’s also Jesse James’ family home, which like Twain’s home is not a park but a privately owned attraction.  However, it’s little and not worth driving all the way over there unless you happen to be in the area anyway.

The Ozarks

Yes, the Ozarks are Missouri’s main vacation destination, and for the registered traveler there’s a bit of good news.  Many of the attractions there are either federal (like Ozark National Riverway and Mark Twain National Forest) or privately owned attractions (which I will describe below), so you can avoid the whole state-park-with-a-playground problem.  On the other hand, because it’s such a big tourist area get ready to pay through the nose.

My first road trip of 2025 from Iowa was to the South Central US with emphasis on Texas.  That meant I traveled through Missouri twice – southbound and northbound.  Both times I tried to spend time in the Ozarks.  Southbound from I took a route through a part of the state I’d never seen before and enjoy the countryside.  My destination that day was the Pulltite campground in Ozark National Riverways (remember – national park – I can camp there).

In part because Missouri is such a park-camping desert for registered citizens, I have sought the oasis of Ozark Riverways several times over the years and visited some of its attractions like Round Spring (which also has a cave), Blue Spring, Alley Mill and Two Rivers.  And because it’s a riverway, all manner of rafting and canoeing are ready for you.

Rocky Falls, Ozark National Riverways

After staying overnight I headed south to my next major destination of New Orleans, but on the return leg of my SC US trip I was back in Missouri, this time entering at the far southwest corner from Oklahoma.  My goal again was to report on the Ozarks, but before doing so I want to draw your attention to George Washington Carver’s Boyhood Home, a National Monument near Joplin, MO.  I stopped there two years ago and was very impressed.  He was a great scientist – and a great Iowan (he was a student and a professor at ISU in Ames) whose story was systematically minimized by white racist Jim Crow historians.  Go find out the real story.

Entering from Oklahoma the Ozarks don’t start right away, but the westernmost tract of Mark Twain NF is between Cassville and Branson.  That’s where I found a very nice Army Corps of Engineers campground.  In a restrictive state like Missouri registered travelers should be on the lookout for Army Corps recreational facilities.  Anywhere the Army Corps has built a dam they own the land around that lake and there’s a pretty good chance they’ve set up boat ramps and campgrounds.

The next morning on my way to Branson I stopped at Dogwood Canyon Nature Park, a private attraction on State Road 86.  Looks nice but unfortunately it was closed on account of rain.  While there I picked up some brochures that explained that this would be one of four attractions that I would go to but not go to that day, all owned by Jimmy Norris, founder of Bass Sporting Goods.  The other three are all at Top of the Rock, which is a big gated mega-development where you have pay $10 just to get in. 

Dogwood Canyon Nature Park

Then you come to Lost Canyon Cave and Nature Trail AND Ancient Ozarks Natural History Museum.  You can’t buy the tickets separately, only together, it’s about $100 per adult and it’ll take about four hours altogether.  I hadn’t planned on that amount of time but maybe next time I’ll know what to expect.  And that day the nature trail golf cart checkout stand was closed because even though it had stopped raining the 3 mile long trail was still slippery.  PS the “world class” golf course is the fourth attraction.  There is yet a fifth Jimmy Norris attraction, Wonders of Life National Museum and Aquarium, in Springfield.

I decided to skip all that until next time, and opted for a cave tour at Fantastic Caverns, just north of Springfield.  The unique thing about this one is they put you in an open trailer and drive you through the tour.  Then a short 10 minute walk takes you to the waterfall where all the cave water pours into the river.

Fantastic Caverns

It was now afternoon and I needed to find a motel in northern MO to set myself up for the next day.  I did take US 54 so I could go through Lake of the Ozarks, which is very touristy and has a large state park for you to stay away from.

Now let’s tally up my number of days in Missouri.  Southbound I slept one night, so that’s 2 days.  Northbound I slept two nights, so that’s 3 days.  Because the state law specifically says “more than seven days” (see top) I have exactly one overnight stay remaining in my quiver for the next 12 months.

Small town notes:

Buffalo – Yes & no.  West side good but on east side the crumbling downtown fronts the old railroad.

Versailles and Tipton – good.

Fayette – has a small college, so that makes it a “small college town.”

Macon – kinda okay

Kansas City

In 2023 I visited downtown Kansas City, rode their trolley and saw the City Market, Union Station and the National WWI Historic Monument & Park.  It’s a national park and anyway, there’s no playground there so it was no problem.

Then I had Kansas City BBQ at Slap’s, but that’s in the other Kansas City in Kansas – so when I found a nearby motel I wasn’t “sleeping” in Missouri.  Therefore even though I came back and spent a second partial day it was still zero days as far as Missouri’s registry is concerned. 

View of Downtown Kansas City from the WWI Memorial

St. Louis

In May of 2024, traveling from Iowa, I began what I hoped would be a four day tour of Missouri with the first night’s stay at a motel (with no pool) in St. Louis, but after that I was turned back by car troubles so severe that upon returning to Iowa ended up junking my car and getting another (used) Toyota Sienna.  Now I have a car that’s registered and tagged in Iowa but my driver’s license is still from Florida.  Neither Iowa DMV nor my Iowa sheriff’s department seemed to care about this, but what would Florida say when I returned there next fall?  Well, a year later I can now tell you that Florida didn't care either!

But meanwhile there I was in St. Louis overnight at a really crappy Days Inn, so I made the most of it by going on the Anhueser-Busch brewery tour. Very enjoyable!  Then the next morning I decided to live a little dangerously by going to the St. Louis Art Museum, which is justly recommended by all the tour books as a St. Louis must see.  Unfortunately it’s located within Forest Park – which is another recommended must see, but not for us.

St. Louis Art Museum. That's the actual saint himself riding his horse out front.

It’s a huge park and although I didn’t see any playgrounds either while entering from the west or later exiting to the south (after a stop at the Jewel Box), I assume there is probably one on the far side of the park, half a mile away at the Visitor & Education Center.  I just stayed as far away from that as possible.  Upon entering the museum I also checked the map thoroughly to make sure they didn’t have an on-site playground or children’s rec area.  I am happy to report there are none, so if you want to follow my lead and see great art while visiting St. Louis, do so.